Tuesday, December 1, 2009
From: XXXX
Sent: Tuesday, December 01, 2009 10:04 AM
To: Nicole Casper
Subject: RE: ha!
I think you are SO right. so right.. its hard to dismiss it though.. I haven’t been alone for 9 YEARS until the last 4 or 5 months.. It is so weird to me! And, to top it off, I am still trying to figure out who I am and who God wants me to be, so I feel pretty lost at times (I think this is normal, right?) almost the free falling feeling, but each time I have fallen, God has picked me up.. I know what is best for me—giving everything over to God, but like Jen was saying last night – it is so much harder to actually do.. like I mentioned this morning, I WANT to give my life over, I WANT Him to be in charge, I WANT Him to be foundation, but where do I begin??? I know I need to read His word, which I am getting better and better at! The last week I haven’t missed one day of reading, and often it has been numerous times a day- which is pretty cool to me.. but I often feel like a freggin retarded person because I don’t know how to do most things! I look at you, Jenna and Breanna who I consider my closest girl friends right now – and I want to be where you guys are spiritually! I want to get where Alex is and he got there in such a short time! I know he still struggles, I know you guys still struggle, but I still want to be further than I am! Its frustrating.
Going to the men – this may sound conceded, but I have always gotten who and what I have wanted with guys.. if I was interested in them, I would date them, hang out with them, etc. but NOW it seems like NO ONE is interested in me.. I feel like an ugly loser, which sucks hard core.. is this God’s doing do you think? Or am I just not an attractive person inside and out to Christians?
You probably didn’t think I was going to ramble on like this.. sorry. haha
From: Nicole Casper
Sent: Tuesday, December 01, 2009 11:04 AM
To: XXXX
Subject: RE: ha!
I know what you mean.
You’re hunger for God and to know him is good. God isn’t a subject in school you can study to get an A on a test. He reveals things to you and allows you to understand certain things at certain times because he is concerned with your heart above all else. Don’t lose your fire to seek him and all that he is. He knows your frustrations and knows what you desire. Petition these things to him and trust him. I think overall, this is a big trust test from God . If you desperately seek after him, he is going to reveal his wonder to you. Don’t stress about where you are. God isn’t. He is overjoyed with your passion. Just keep getting to know him. He is a mysterious God. And he’s teasing you to run after him. So throw your hair back and put on your Nike’s!
As far as this crap about not being attractive… The men you went after didn’t care about your heart, they cared about your vagina. It’s not conceded to say that you were alluring, but you are interested in a different kind of guy now. Plus, do you really want a guy who just falls at your will? No. You want a God-fearing, strong, leader who loves you best because he loves God more and you can receive his love best because you love God more. God does not think you are an ugly loser. God thinks you are treasure to be stored and treated like the daughter of a King that you are. You know what the bible says about someone who is made new in Christ? Proverbs 19:8, “He who gets wisdom loves his own soul” the Hebrew word for wisdom in this verse means a new heart, a good heart and a new spirit; a clean heart and a right spirit; a heart of flesh, a soft, tender, and contrite one. In complete opposition to a hard heart, a heart of stone: a wise and understanding heart, such an one as Solomon had; a heart to know the Lord, and to fear him; in which his laws are written, the graces of his Spirit are implanted and in which God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit, dwell. The desires of such a heart seeks after it, prays for it, and uses all means to obtain it; and who, through the grace of God; does possess it, as the word signifies; he by all this shows that he has a regard to the good and welfare of his immortal soul. You love your own soul and the weight of what men think of you are close to non-existent. (of course there will always be a pull-it is our curse from the Garden.) You have an audience of one, my dear. Can you see at all why a man right now would not only be painful (because he will of course be a jackass one time or another…or 5 times..or 12 times…and right now, you allow too much weight to be held on men) but also, God wants you to be content with you. He wants you to acquire this wisdom; this new heart and it takes time and it takes pruning and growing new branches so that you can learn to love who you are and who God molds you into: a mysterious, wonderfully created woman of God that is dependent of Jesus and loves-even embraces every quirky thing about herself. And after you find Christ and settle into Him, then you get to let go and rest in Him: peace, joy, and comfort in this world: and, in the world to come, glory, honor, and eternal happiness.