H e b r e w T r e e

There is very little I remember about the playground at Kelly School. I remember the blue gate that separated the elementary school from the junior high school. I remember the place inside the hall where I put my lunch box and jacket before I attempted to do the monkey bars with my eyes closed, and I remember the awful sound the bell made for recess to end. What I remember most about the playground at Kelly School was where I hid from Zach Perrucci’s Grandmother every morning when she dropped him off.
Zach Perrucci was the most annoying, disgusting, insensitive boy I had ever met at age five. He would chase me around the sandbox and although he told Mrs. Sandy he did not mean to accidentally spill his apple juice all over my new flower dress at snack time, I know he did. The only thing that was worse than Zach Perrucci was Zach Perrucci’s Grandmother. A tall, slim lady with long, wrinkly, skeleton hands that always found their way to my cheeks to give them a good pinch. Every morning when she dropped Zach Perrucci off at Kelly Elementary she would find me and say, “And how is my little granddaughter-in-law dooooing!” with her teeth clenched and the longer she drug out the word “doing” the harder she pinched my cheeks.
That woman scared me more than anything else. She would always tell my mom that Zach liked me and I was playing hard to get—I was having him chase me and we were going to get married. My mom would always laugh and then tell my dad she was crazy. Nevertheless, I decided that I hated Zach Perrucci and there was nothing that could have changed my mind up about that the day he pushed me down in the sandbox and scrapped my knee.
I remember the event like it was yesterday. I had just got done with the monkey bars when I felt an impulse to put my jacket on. I dropped down from the bars and let the tingling feeling you get in your legs when you dropped down from the monkey bars settle before I started my way to the hall where I had left my jacket before recess. I started to venture through the sandbox and made it past the triplets who always play ring around the roses, and through the gymnastic bars where competitions were held to see who could do more flips in a row. The only thing I had to dodge before I was safe on concrete and feet away from the hall where my jacket was calling my name was the game of tag.
I stood waiting for my opportunity to sprint across the game. I finally decided to take a chance and go for it. It felt like I had never ran as fast as I did in that moment. I look up, trying to judge the distance I had left before I reached solid concrete and was safe and sound through the game of tag—and then there he was. Clear as day. Zach Perrucci coming straight up ahead. I was running so fast, I couldn’t stop, and then BAM! Zach and I collide. I hit the solid concrete I had been trying so hard to get too in a much different way I imagined. I look up and see Zach Perrucci standing straight over me, hovering, pointing at my knee calling over ‘the guys’ to come and see. Tears already swelling in my eyes, I look down at my knee and all I can see is red. The tears begin to pour.
The next day I had planned on being as mean and rude as possible. I even practiced a few hair flips in the mirror and asked my brother for some choice of words. I get to school and Zach Perrucci is nowhere. I don’t even get my cheeks pinched from his crazy grandmother. I initially think that Zach Perrucci is planning something against my other knee and don’t let me guard down the entire way up until break. I walk into the sandbox and head straight to the monkey bars—I have to get rid of some of this anger. I’m just about to climb on when who other than Zach Perrucci is all of the sudden standing right in front of me. “That’s a pretty cool Barney band aide you got there on your knee.” I had never seen Zach so introverted before. “Thank you.” I said still with my intent to say something really mean, like poophead. “I brought you this. I’m sorry.” Zach shoves a little clear plastic half-circle container with a yellow plastic lid keeping whatever was inside secure, in my hands.
As he ran off to the other side of the sandbox, I look inside to find the most beautiful twenty-five cent ring with a neon pink gem fixed in the center of it. Standing in the middle of the sandbox, I look around to see where Zach had ran off too and I catch him at the corner of the sandbox playing tag. I put the plastic container in my pocket, the ring on my finger, and run over to the game with no thought of obeying the rules of the sandbox. I didn’t wait for the triplets and their game of ring around the roses, or the kids spinning around and around on the gymnast bars. I had my eye fixed on one thing: That game of tag. I make it to the other side of the sandbox in one piece and still only one knee scrapped. I run straight to Zach Perrucci, feeling the smile that covered my face I say, “Thank you…I love it…TAG! You’re it!” With a forceful poke I take off, and let him chase me around the sandbox.

[The Message]

Romans 12

Place Your Life Before God

1-2 So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

3I'm speaking to you out of deep gratitude for all that God has given me, and especially as I have responsibilities in relation to you. Living then, as every one of you does, in pure grace, it's important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him.

4-6In this way we are like the various parts of a human body. Each part gets its meaning from the body as a whole, not the other way around. The body we're talking about is Christ's body of chosen people. Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of his body. But as a chopped-off finger or cut-off toe we wouldn't amount to much, would we? So since we find ourselves fashioned into all these excellently formed and marvelously functioning parts in Christ's body, let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't.

6-8If you preach, just preach God's Message, nothing else; if you help, just help, don't take over; if you teach, stick to your teaching; if you give encouraging guidance, be careful that you don't get bossy; if you're put in charge, don't manipulate; if you're called to give aid to people in distress, keep your eyes open and be quick to respond; if you work with the disadvantaged, don't let yourself get irritated with them or depressed by them. Keep a smile on your face.

9-10Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.

11-13Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality.

14-16Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. Laugh with your happy friends when they're happy; share tears when they're down. Get along with each other; don't be stuck-up. Make friends with nobodies; don't be the great somebody.

17-19Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. "I'll do the judging," says God. "I'll take care of it."

20-21Our Scriptures tell us that if you see your enemy hungry, go buy that person lunch, or if he's thirsty, get him a drink. Your generosity will surprise him with goodness. Don't let evil get the best of you; get the best of evil by doing good.

"What is causing the quarrels and fights among you?"

[PMS...]


"Don't they come from the evil desires at war within you?" James 4:1

[Afraid so...]




I can't seem to choose one...

Laugh.

or

cry?

This past week has definitely been an emotional one and I boldly and fully blame the hormones and emotions that seem to be getting worse as each month passes.
I've been rotten and rude and mean and retaliated and stuck my nose so far into the air that I'm surprised with all this cold weather, my nose hairs haven't fallen off.

I have such good friends.
And a wonderful, strong boyfriend that has dealt with this monster inside me way more than he should have.

I ask for your forgiveness.

To any whom I was irrational or illogical or just plain out mean too.
I sulk in these pity parties and the struggles that are currently resting on my shoulders have been magnified this past week and it's been flat out hard.

Here, as I sit in my room, I have this urge to cry?

WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ME?!

I'm going to take this up with God before I dose off and hopefully release some of this crummy insecurities that have decided they wanted more attention and direct any of you ladies who are in the same boat to lean on 1 Peter 3:4-6


"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 5For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful."


So badly are my actions of selfish nature and selfish desires and me, me, me expectations and for some reason this time of the month seems to place a cover over my eyes saying it's okay to act this way-you deserve too. Our ultimate goal in doing all this is to feel loved, right? That's why we act like this? We do the, "but, but, but..." with pouty lips because we expect our loved ones and for me, Ben to just make me comfortable. To make me feel beautiful?

That's not beautiful.
And that's not having a quiet and gentle spirit.
And I'm already loved.
By a God who does a way better, more just and unconditional way than anyone else on this earth.

As Ben would say...


"F-OFF HORMONES! [not you] HORMONES! [I love you]"




blah.
Get over yourself, Nicole.

6I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel— 7which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ. 8But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let him be eternally condemned! 9As we have already said, so now I say again: If anybody is preaching to you a gospel other than what you accepted, let him be eternally condemned!



Galatians 1:6-9

It's Wednesday morning--early morning--rounding 1:30am, I creep in the house and allow the front door it's normal share of attention with a light squeak and an affirmed shut and top lock.
I've got my computer bag round my right shoulder, my purse around the left. My phone is tightly clutched in my left hand as both arms cradle my bible, bible study binder and journal.
I'm wearing my new shoes Ben got me, with fresh bottoms and a soundless walk to the small flight of stairs I must pass before entering my basement-I mean bedroom.
I'm trying to be extra quiet because Mike, Jessie and Aaron are all back from Haiti, sound asleep from a long day of international traveling.

I take my first step down the stairs.

My right foot begins to follow...

When it doesn't quite grip the stair...
Now the left one has gone too soon!

I can feel the weight of my body begin to fall
I can feel the extra weight in my arms set free into the air
I see my purse fly off my shoulder
My computer bag flat on the floor

bump
bump..
bump!

My feet are now in front of me
My phone still clutched tight.

"ouch."

I whisper.

"ouch. that really hurt."

a little bit louder.

"ouch!"

I say with a smile.

and then I can't hold it back.
It comes like a bandit in the night.

It wants to erupt
But my mouth won't open big enough.

I've got my phone clutched in my left hand.
My bible is behind me on the last stair.
My journal flared open to my right.
My bible study notebook sitting on the carpet ahead of me.
My purse upside down.
My computer bag laying flat.
My shoes in front of me.
Sitting on the cold, hardwood floor.
Laughing.

Laughing hard.

Because there is not enough time to sit around and think how I could have prevented the fall.
Because there is not enough time to complain how many times my elbows hit the stairs.
Because there is not enough time to not laugh at myself and sulk in the moment of pure human imperfectness.



I love moments like these.
When you've had a wonderful day, and it ends in a BANG!

Autumn. I'm ready for your colors!

"Forever is composed of nows."
-Emily Dickinson

Today started out absolutely amazing. Ben came over around 10—unexpected—and surprised me with a blowdryer! I know. This probably doesn’t seem like a very amazing thing to happen, but I’ve been blowdryerless since I got to Utah and every time I ventured out to buy one, I would get lost. It was the cutest thing ever. I LOVED IT! I got up and mailed Michelle’s postcard—the first Tuesday of Postcard Tuesday’s—and I cannot go into detail of the amazing postcard until she received it, but lets just say that I hope a Mormon postman doesn’t see it because it might get “lost in the mail”. I ventured over to my new favorite place, The Coffee Garden, and caught up with my blogging since I am jobless until next Thursday. After a good couple hours at the Coffee Garden, I decide to try and find the Walmart to pick up some needs. I don’t know how I become so lost all the time, but I…yes…got freaking lost! The thing that I have to learn is the difference between 1300 South, and 1300 East. I went down the wrong way on the wrong 1300 and. Got. Lost. The only good thing about getting lost in a foreign state that you just moved too is that you are bound to, hopefully, find cool places. (It also helps that I live in a “downtown” and everyone knows that downtown are cool places.) In my time of lost…ness, I found…are you ready?



A BEAD STORE!!!



I know. I know! I was just as excited as you are now! I found a bead store in Huntington once but it was closed and I never got to go back and make anything. So, since I was lost and I had nothing to do…because I don’t have a job yet…I stopped in. I walked in and was so excited I think I squealed. I was under the impression that the owners were an old married couple, totally awesome, and not very responsive to my extreme excitement. I told them my whole bead store story and then I started. I was browsing the store looking at all the cool things and beads and stuff. I couldn’t decide what to make, and then. It came to me. I will make a keychain!

And I did!

It was seriously so fun! I can’t get over how much I enjoyed the whole experience. I’m taking Michelle there in three weeks when she gets here. I finally call Ben and let him know that I have no idea where I am and he gets me home an hour before I’m suppose to meet him, Gretchin. and two new people who are from Ute-Nited. I got there right on time and went into the bathroom and stood next to this girl who was fixing her hair and I wanted to ask her so badly if her name was Kelly, but I refrained. She walked out before me and then I walked out to see her hugging Ben and turns out that WAS Kelly! (The gal I was meeting!) We laughed at the fact that we listened to each other pee which makes us automatic friends now. We ate at Olive Garden and had a really good time. Ben and I went back to Nate and Bekah’s and listened to the wind for a little while. I love that about Utah. The Storms here are suppose to be crazy awesome and I only heard a fraction of one yesterday. We ended up going to Walmart together so that I wouldn’t get lost again tomorrow and got my goods. We went back and Ben fell asleep around 9 on my bed and I cleaned my room. A real nice and easy night, if I do say so myself. He ended up leaving at about 1am after a horrible conversation about the “what if I get in a car accident on my way home and DIE” talk. I hate what if’s. They give me nightmares.

Day Five: Lost.

Today was very uneventful, unfortunately. I got in really late last night and so I didn’t even get out of bed until 12:30, but I didn’t feel so bad when I woke Ben up at 1 when I called. I ventured out this afternoon to Barnes and Noble to see if I could talk to any other manager about my job. I still can’t believe Donna, the manager I had been conversing with these past couple months went on vacation until the 24th and forgot to call me for my phone interview. Anyway, I spoke with the guy at the customer service desk and he said that even if I talked with another manager, they wouldn’t be able to do anything because Donna is the only one who does the hiring. I walked out feeling very defeated and stressed because I have bills to pay and really cannot afford to not be working for 10 days. On my way back home, I stumbled across this really cool old record place. They sold old records and posters and some postcards, but not many. I talked with the guy in there and he gave me some good ideas to make my own postcards from old record covers. He showed me some of his own work and I thought that wasn’t too bad an idea. Then Michelle would get very original and uniquely made by me postcards. He gave me a bunch of free postcards that advertisers give their store and I thought that was perfect! There is nothing wrong with free stuff. As I was leaving he informed me that they always have tons of boxes of ol records for only a dollar. (They are the ones that are about to be thrown out so it’s like a last chance to buy them) I immediately thought about Jamie. I might just send her some? (Oh great. Now it can’t be a surprise if she reads this.) I went back to the house and in my fit of defeat, turned on the T.V. and wasted a couple hours soaking in Myth Busters and Full House. Bekah came home and we chatted for a while and she suggested that if I want to apply anywhere else for the time being and if I wanted to work at another coffee house that there was this really cool place on 9th and 9th and they have AWESOME coffee. I figured that it would at least be a good 2nd job, so I decided to go check it out. When I got there, I could tell that I was going to love it. It’s the coolest little coffee house and with the coolest people. I ordered an iced mocha and seriously, the BEST one I’ve EVER HAD. No lie. So I asked for an application and noticed that they had free Wi-Fi and decided to catch up on my emails and internet life. I met Ben at church—he was leading worship for the little kids—and I had planned on talking with the gal in charge of that to see if I could get connected in helping or leading something but I was late and didn’t want to wait around for her because it would have been a couple hours so I figure I can just talk to her on Sunday. Ben and I went to the park afterwards and played around with the Frisbee and he taught me a couple techniques before I tackled him to the ground. It was so nice being outside. If there’s anything I absolutely love instantly about moving to Utah it’s the outdoors. Tree’s are everywhere; beautiful green huge tree’s. The mountains are so close, the sky seems to be bigger, the air is fresh, it’s warm during the day, and cool during the night. Ugh. It’s amazing. And everyone seems to have a dog. Which I envy. I WANT A DOG SO BAD. Everyone also seems to take advantage of the weather and air here because everywhere you look people are outside riding bikes, jogging, waking their dog, playing in the parks. It’s AWESOME. After the park, Ben taught me how to drive his stick shift. I only drove from one side to the other until I was over the idea of learning and let Ben example a good stick driver verses a bad one. We came back to his house and made Mac and cheese and I wrote a complaint to U-Haul about their poor customer service. My mother would be so proud. Her famous line was always, “I’m writing a letter. What is your name?” After that we watched some T.V. and laughed. We laughed so much, and about nothing. Just being with him and not having that feeling of “this will all soon be over” is so great. It’s so…NORMAL. The way it’s suppose to be. Ben and I went for a walk before we fell asleep on his couch and woke up at 1am and once again I return to my quarters late, tired, and totally okay with it all.

Day Four: well done.

I got in so late last night, I couldn’t believe that I got out of bed so easily and quickly. I woke up this morning at 8:30 am and went to K2 with Bekah and Nate. I really enjoyed their church. I think one of the coolest things about their church is that it’s right next to a train station and so every 10 minutes the entire building vibrates. (P.S. Bekah and Nat didn’t hear anything last night. I had left a note apologizing if I woke them and they laughed and said I could have robbed them blind and they would have never known.) The pastor at K2 just started a new series and it was about proving there is a God. It was really interesting. He used the example of a courtroom and we were the jury. He “presented” his case and reminded us that is wasn’t about proving absolute certainty but about proving reasonable doubt. He used the idea of “clues” God gives like morality; the innate knowing of good verses bad. Design; think of an iPod and all it’s intricacies. Did was there just…and explosion one day in a lab and all of the sudden there was an iPod? Or did it have design? A purpose? Experiences; the God-encountering experiences of life. I really enjoyed it. If it’s online, I’ll be sure to add this series to the recommended list. After church Bekah invited me to go on a bike ride with her and Jackie. I was so excited! One thing I’m supper excited for is the inevitable fact that by living with Bekah and Nate, I’ll be sure to get in better shape. They are CRAZY amazing at biking and hiking and extreme sports. I’m so excited. So Bekah and I road to Jackie’s house—about a mile and half away. I felt so out of shape! I was already tired. The bike I was riding was a mountain bike, equipped with gears and special peddles. The gear on the left is for the bigger gear, 1 is the easiest and 3 is the hardest. The gears on left go from 1 to 5 in the same order of difficulty and so say you’re going up a hill, you want to shift into a higher gear so you are not working harder than the bike. Mind you—I’ve never ridden a mountain bike, let alone know how or when or why to even shift gears. We start out and approach this massive hill. (Okay, so it wasn’t massive, but it was a hill nonetheless.) I am DYING! I feel like I’m working harder than the bike and Bekah and Jackie are breezing it. I feel like I shouldn’t be this horrible, but half way up I have to get off and in a frantic pant, I walk to where Bekah and Jackie are waiting for me at the top of this hill. I felt like no matter what I did, my peddles seemed to be doing no work. After a while, and a really hard work out I figure out that it becomes easier when you’re in a higher gear for hills and I had been in 3 (on the left) and 1 (on the right). WHAT AN IDIOT! No wonder the bike kicked my ass. I WAS working harder than the bike. I laughed and told the girls that next time, I’ll be able to keep up, now that I figured out how to ride a bike again. After our 7 miles bike ride, Ben came over and we returned the stupid trailer, FINALLY. He had to be at church for the Deeper service (which is a once a month (I think?) service for communion) at 3 so he didn’t stay for very long. I ended up falling asleep and taking a good 3 hour nap in the cool bottom level of the house. I awoke around 6:30 pm to find an adorable baby boy by the name of Isaac crawling around the kitchen. He. WAS. SO. CUTE! He will be one year this week and we became pretty good friends. He kind of reminded me of a small animal. The only reason I say this is because as soon as he started crying all you would have to do is give him food and he would be fine. OH MY GOSH. Stinkin ADORABLE! His parents were Alison and Brandon who were the sweetest and most gorgeous mom and dad ever. Both with bright blue eyes and blonde hair—you can imagine the cute little Isaac now. Jackie and Jessica and Ben came over soon after and we enjoyed some good ol’ BBQ Nate whooped up out back. I got corn on the cob, which I have to admit was a good idea. It was so good and although have horrifying memories of corn on the cob during the 4 years I sported braces—mmm. Delish. Ben and I went back to his house to watch the movie we rented, Lions for Lambs, and it was a really good movie. I wish my head wasn’t throbbing with pain; I’m sure it would have been more enjoyable. Once again I arrived back home rather later and quite exhausted.


Day Three: Worked.

Day two started out with an adventure. I woke up late to begin with and today I was going to venture off and take my first drive by myself. I was suppose to go to Ben’s at noon, but I didn’t get up until 11:30am. I sat and talked with Bekah for a little while and then headed over to Ben’s. What I didn’t realize was that I was headed the wrong way. The night before, Ben drew me a map so that I could just follow that. He didn’t include any directions as to which freeway direction I was suppose to take, so as I’m approaching the freeway, I get on the first entrance ramp, I-80 North which takes me to the I-15 North, which is the opposite direction on Ben’s house. I then remember Ben saying something about passing OVER the first freeway. I end up driving all the way to Ogden, a city about an hour away. Although it was a nice drive and amazing landscaping to look at, Ben and I were suppose to unload the trailer, return it and make it to Evan’s track meet by 2—and it was already 12:45pm, and I’m sitting in Ogden. I end up meeting Ben and Paul off the side of the freeway and we drive with Paul to Evan’s track meet—which by the way was the State meet. We ended up coming home and unloading the trailer but not returning it because of lack of time. Ben had to be at church by 3:30pm and it was already pushing 4pm. When Ben left for church I decided to go exploring and went to a little shopping area and decided to eat at a little hamburger place called Astro Burger. It was a Greek fast food place and was UH-MAZE-ING. As I was sitting there enjoying my delicious astro burger, a heavier man with white hair and a smile that’s corners reached his ears is all of the sudden asking me from a couple tables over where I was from. I looked around, maybe he was talking to someone else, but no, he was looking directly at me. I answer, “California.” And he continues to say, “Oh my goodness! What part of California?! And what brings you to Utah?” I smile and invite myself to his table; I’m so excited! A new person! Thoughts start racing through my head like “I wonder if he’s Mormon? How do I answer why I’m here to a Mormon? What if he’s a creeper?” I just go for it. I tell him the last two reasons why I moved first, “Well, I support myself, and cost of living is so much cheaper here. My boyfriend also lives here; he was the impulse.” And then I awkwardly say, “But…the main reason why I’m here is because of the awesome opportunity God has given me…to do ministry…um…but…I’m not…LDS…?” and then there’s a pause.

Oh no.

Am I about to be spit on or something?

The old man looks at me and with an outburst says, “Oh Goodness! Those Mormons are CRAZY! It’s a cult you know? I’m Greek Orthodox, and let me tell you…those Mormons…Weeiirrdd.”
I take a breath and smile wanting to laugh, but I felt it rude in case any Mormons were looking or listening in. We start talking about Utah and Steve gets a napkin and starts doodling on it all the cool places to go to and “There’s a Christian bookstore on 2100 South and 3000 East…” and draws it on there. He would ask me a question and then wouldn’t let me answer it, interrupting me with another question. This guy was crazy! I love it! He told me that if I ever needed anything, help with anything, or need help finding a place that sales _____” to give him a call and he gave me his number and also invited me to the “biggest bbq this state has—bigger than the Utah state fair” at his church. I just might go.


After talking with Steve, I left and went into Michael’s Arts and Crafts, browsed for about half an hour and ended up buying an easy toilet shaped suduko book. I had about 30 minutes to still kill before I headed to church so I went into Ross and got a few things and then met Ben at Draper at South Mountain Community Church, which is the name of his dad’s church (SMCC). The service was about forgiveness and I really liked it. Just being at church, which is now my church, with Ben, blew my mind. It’s so nice to be able to worship with Ben. There’s something so intimate about surrendering to God with the person you love. They played the song “Be Glorifed” and as I’m in mid-worship I really start questioned if everything that I do glorifies God and what that looks like. After church Ben and I go for coffee and we just sat outside in the beautiful weather and talked. Talked about everything. Including the thought I had about glorifying God. Ben used the example that when he’s playing guitar—he LOVES it. He loves it and he’s good at it. And he gives that love for it and the gratitude and everything about it to God. That’s how God is glorified in that. After a while we ran into Ian and his friend and we talked for about another half hour before we parted and decided to go grocery shopping. As we were walking into Smith’s Market at 11pm, both Ben and I acknowledged that this was our first time grocery shopping together. I was so excited! I have to be honest, I am SO thrilled to experience the new things that we get to do together that’s suppose to be normal. We still hug like it’s the first time in a while, and I hope we don’t become desensitized over the little things like that. We browsed the store and decided we’d get one more box of Mac and cheese and make it back at Ben’s—even though it was already midnight. We ended up boiling water and falling asleep and waking up to a loud boil and just driving back non-Mac and cheesed. I walked in around 2 and tripped over myself so many times and dropped a bad of groceries while I was at it too. The bags were so loud, I was so nervous I was going to wake Bekah and Nate up. Before the move, one of my worries about a decision I had to make was what church I was going to go to on the first Sunday I was here. I thought about what was going to happen afterwards, and all this crazy stuff. Michelle is probably dying to know what I decided, she was the one I was gabbing all about this too. I decided on going to church in the morning with Beckah and Nate to their church, K2. I’m pretty excited to get to hang out with Bekah and Nate and go to their church. Hopefully we’ll get to return that damn trailer tomorrow.

Day Two: Good.

After 16 long hours in a car with Ben, myself, and the overpriced U-Haul trailer following closely behind Polly, my Plymouth Breeze [whom really should not have been towing anything] I am here.
I reside in Salt Lake City, Utah.
The drive was good, no flat tires or break downs, gas mileage was horrible, and all in all I spent about 250 dollars to get here in gas. This does not include the 360 dollars I spent on the hitch and installation of the hitch and the 145 dollars I spent on renting the trailer. Total costs of this move was about 755 dollars. Whoa. Saying that out loud hurts a little bit.
Besides the cost factor, everything else was awesome. I’ve been waiting to see Ben for so long and this last time was the longest I had gone without seeing him—it was torture. When I picked him up from the airport it was like everything that had been holding on to me; the stress, the missing, work, inconveniences, parking tickets—everything was melted away and the only thing holding me now was Ben. Pure bliss and to be quite honest, I couldn’t have gone another day. Not patiently anyways. We got to hang out for the rest of that day and then met up with Beth and Jeremy for dinner and coffee. It was so nice being able to hang out with another couple AS a couple. We had such a good time at the Macaroni Grill and afterwards when we went to Starbucks Ben played Beth’s guitar and we all sang worship songs. It ended a perfect night. The next day we got the hitch installed and the trailer put on and then went to the beach. We drove to Corona Del Mar for a more quiet and relaxed spot. Ben was pretty anxious to wear his new swim trunks which were no trunks at all—they were water polo bottoms—which was basically a Speedo. Think booty shorts/spandex. I’m not gonna lie. The entire beach was jealous that I was the lucky girl who was lying next to him.
After a couple hours at the beach we went to my Uncles to load the trailer with everything that I own. I’m glad to say that I don’t think it’s a lot. We loaded about ¾ of the 4x8 trailer and a few things in the back of my car. After spending a little time with my aunt and uncle, we headed over to Claim Jumper to celebrate Jamison’s 27th birthday. Michelle came too. I also got to meet Jamison’s new girlfriend. She was really nice and I think someone who will be good for Jamison. Hopefully she can shape him up. During dinner, Michelle gave me this amazing going away gift of pictures of her and I in black in white in a beautiful frame. Each picture had a story behind it and I couldn’t hold back the tears. We hugged and then took about a million pictures. I love her so much. I also got to say goodbye to Jamie whom I will miss terribly. She was my best friend at Concordia University. She’s coming to visit in December, so that will be nice. Thursday we left for the long drive and arrival to…home. We left a little later than originally planned but we were in no rush. The drive started out really normal and as soon as we got the 15, we stopped to eat at Carl’s Jr. and then the realization of what was about to happen came. I was moving to Utah. I didn’t have to remind myself of when I was leaving. So many times Ben and I would be caught in that particular hug; the one that says “I don’t want to say goodbye.” And then we’d look at each other and realize this time—there’s no goodbye.

W e i r d.

So we get going and it isn’t until about 200 miles that we stop for gas and figured out that we get about 13 miles to the gallon because of that darn trailer. I had been reading a little bit of my newest book, Leaving the Saints, and was just in amazement of the Mormon religion and their weird wedding rituals. I couldn’t get that out of my head. Anyways after a while we pass through Las Vegas and eventually stop to eat at this really awesome Mexican restaurant where we sat behind this big group of old men who had just finished a game of golf and they were making Ben and I crack up. I don’t even remember half the stuff they said, but it was funny. We started out for the last stretch when about an hour later I needed to stop for a bathroom. I had to pee so bad that when I went in I just saw the bathroom and asked the cashier if I needed a key and he said no. I walked in and to my surprise there was a urinal. I immediately thought, “Oh. That’s weird. Co-ed bathroom. Must be a Utah thing?” and used the bathroom. The entire time I’m thinking to myself how weird that would be to be in here with a male. I open the door and Ben is right outside and I say to him, “Ben! It’s a co-ed bathroom!” He looks at me and laughs and says, “No. It’s the Men’s bathroom.” I was so embarrassed. I didn’t even think that I could have gone into the wrong bathroom. I hid in Ben’s sleeve for a couple seconds before we got our energy drink and headed for Draper. I managed to get a horrible headache and slept for an hour before I awoke. I really didn’t want to sleep because it wasn’t fair to Ben—He had been driving the whole way. We ended up stopping off at this desolate road to take a “catnap” and rest for about 30-45 minutes before finishing the long drive. We finally got here at about 4am and laid down for a little bit before saying goodnight and passing out in our own rooms. We woke up at about 11 the next morning and had some coffee. I was able to hang out with Jini for a little bit and just catch up on my plans for living here. I met this awesome woman, Grace, who was such a sweetheart and writes bible studies. Evan and his friend were over when I was looking at this wedding invitation when I noticed it was for a Mormon couple. Not discerning one bit I start raving on about the crazy Mormon rituals of marriage when I look up to see Ben giving me that “Stop. Please Stop talking. Please.” Look. Turns out, Evans friend was Mormon. I didn’t even think of that. So, I learned my first lesson today with Mormons. I was kind of embarrassed. I’m glad that happened the first day instead of a little later. I got an awkward Mormon experience out of the way. After, we went to Nate and Bekah’s to unload my stuff. We met up with Meredith and she is a doll. I’m excited to start meeting more people. I also got a p.o. box today. We ended up eating over at Nate and Beckah’s and watching the first 2 quarters of the Jazz game (6) with a couple other couples and it was so nice to just be in company with awesome, older, mature folks until we went to Ben’s to finish the game watching with Evan and Beth, Evan’s girlfriend. Ben took me back home and we said goodnight for the first time.

It all is still hovering overhead and nothings settled. It still feels like I’m only visiting. I think once I start something consistent like a job or something it’ll start sinking in that I now live in Utah and I no longer need to remind myself and ask, “When do I leave?” when planning around things. Ugh! SOOOO WEIRD!! But awesome. Completely awesome and perfect.

Day One: Successfully Completed.

[An excerpt from The Shack By William P. Young]

“Most birds were created to fly. Being grounded for them is a limitation within their ability to fly, not the other way around.” She paused to let Mack think about her statement. “You, on the other hand, were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around.”
“Living unloved is like clipping a birds wings and removing its ability to fly. Not something I want for you.”
“Mack, pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly.” She waited a moment, allowing her words to settle. “And if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place.”
“I’m not like you, Mack.”
“I am God. I am who I am. And unlike you, my wings can’t be clipped.”
“Well that’s wonderful for you but where exactly does that leave me?” Mack blurted out, sounding more irritated than he would have liked.
“Smack dab in the center of my love!”
“Mackenzie, I am what some would say ‘holy and wholly other than you’. The problem is that many folks try to grasp some sense of who I am by taking the best version of themselves, projecting that to the nth degree, factoring in all the goodness they can perceive, which often isn’t much, and then call that God. And while it may seem like a noble effort, the truth is that it falls pitifully short of who I really am. I’m not merely the best version of you that you can think of. I am far more than that, above and beyond all that you can ask or think.”
“I’m sorry, but those are just words to me. They don’t make much sense.” Mack shrugged.
“Even though you can’t finally grasp me, guess what? I still want to be known.”
“You’re talking about Jesus, right? Is this going to be a let’s-try-to-understand-the-Trinity sort of thing?”
She chuckled. “Sort of, but this isn’t Sunday School. This is a flying lesson. Mackenzie, as you might imagine, there are some advantages to being God. By nature I am completely unlimited, without bounds. I have always known fullness. I live in a state of perpetual satisfaction as my normal state of existence. Just one of the perks of Me being Me.”
“We created you to share in that. But when Adam chose to go it on his own, as we knew he would, and everything got messed up. But instead of scrapping the whole Creation we rolled up our sleeves and entered into the middle of the mess—that’s what we have done in Jesus.”
Mack was hanging in there; trying his best to follow allow her train of thought.
“When we three spoke ourselves into human existence as the Son of God, we be became fully human. We also chose to embrace all the limitations that this entailed. Even though we have always been present in this created universe, we now became flesh and blood. It would be like this bird, whose nature is to fly, choosing only to walk and remain grounded. He doesn’t stop being a bird, but it does alter his experience of life significantly.”
“Although by nature he is fully God, Jesus is fully human and lives as such. While never loosing the innate ability to fly, he CHOOSES moment-by-moment God with us, or God with you, to be more precise.”
“But what about all the miracles? The healings? Raising people from the dead? Doesn’t that prove that Jesus was God—you know, more than human?”

“No, it proves that Jesus is truly human.”
“What?”
“Mackenzie, I can fly, but human’s can’t. Jesus is fully human. Although he is also fully God, he has NEVER drawn upon his nature as God to do anything. He has only lived out of his relationship with me, living in the very same manner that I desire to be in relationship with every human being. He is just the first to do it the uttermost—the first to absolutely trust my life within him, the first to believe in my love and goodness without regard for appearance or consequence.”
“So when he healed the blind?”
“He did so as a dependent, limited human being trusting in my life and power to be at work within him and through him. Jesus, as a human being, had no power within himself to heal anyone.”
“Only as he rested in his relationship with me, and I our communion—our co-union—could he express my heart and will into any given circumstance. So, when you look at Jesus and it appears the he’s flying, he really is…flying. But what you are actually seeing is me; my life in him. That’s how he lives and acts as a true human, how every human is designed to live—out of my life.

“A bird’s not defined by being grounded but by his ability to fly.
Remember this, humans are not defined by their limitations, but by the intentions that I have for them; not by what they seem to be, but by everything it means to be created in my image.”

[End excerpt]


If you are not familiar with this book, it is about this man, Mackenzie, whose three-year-old daughter gets kidnapped and brutally murdered on a camping trip. The evidence of this is found in a little, old, rundown shack in the Oregon wilderness. Four years later in the midst of this man’s “great sadness” as the book refers to the tragic incident, Mack receives a suspicious note, apparently from God himself, wanting to meet with Him—at none other than the very shack his heart was left broken.
Mack’s life as a child is first told in this book and it’s a story of abuse and an absent father whose life was lived inside a bottle. The term “Papa” has never played nice in his heart and the fact that his wife called God “Papa” was a twist in his story all together.
In this story, Mack asks the questions that the stereotype Pastors and Priests tell us the reasons why those questions filter through our brains is lack of faith.
A fictional tale that is heartbreaking yet amazing, will open your eyes and hearts to a God who just wants to love you, I recommend this book to anyone who is searching for a deeper relationship with God and questioning what that even looks like.

This excerpt alone has been forever imprinted in my mind. The fact that such an easy idea; tangible idea like a bird and it’s ability to fly can be so easily turned into the amazing love God has for us and how we, as humans and know everything there is to know about life, CHOOSE to not be loved—and most the time, unconsciously or only because we don’t FEEL loved limit ourselves to God’s abundant and never ending, never altering love.

An idea popped into my head as I write this, that my whole plan is to move to Utah and LOVE. I want to love those who are so hard to love or are missing out in love or don’t know Jesus’ love.
I find this little idea about limitations and becoming REALLY TRULY human and LOVE the way God loves us, I HAVE to be in constant relationship with God. It is so easy to talk about God, talk about what He’s doing, about how he’s moving me and settling me, but so often I find myself forgetting to talk TO God, rather than about Him. I have to be saturated in him, in HIM ALONE, not with an agenda to be able to let his love flow out of my pores and onto others. I have to talk with God, not with a plan of action, but because I am madly and head over heels in love with my Savior.

When something great or tragic happens; something crazy, Ben is the first person I call. Why? Because I want to share in all my experiences with him. Why? Because I love him. Because when you are in love, the person you want to tell and talk to and be in communication and community with is the person you are in love with.

This concept is a lot like prayer. When you are in trouble, a difficult week, pray. Are you happy? Sing songs of praise. Are you sick? Pray. Talk to the one you love. It’s this idea of a relationship that God should not be our last, but or first to tell because we are so madly, deeply in love with our Savior.
Prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
God wants a relationship with us. He wants to give us all these amazing things. He wants what is BEST for us. And what is GOOD for us. He wants us to fully experience what we were suppose to.

I want to be fully human. I want my life to be fully lived out of His. I want to be fully saturated in His love, because then, I will better love those around me.

The story of Jesus is so much more powerful and meaningful to me now. He was EXACTLY the same as me in all my humanness…the only difference was that he didn’t limit himself.

This is my prayer. This is my mindset.
I will fall on my face, no doubt.
But that is what is SO beautiful about a relationship with God.
He is the God of 2nd and 3rd and 4th and 5th and 99th chances.
Why?
Because He LOVES me.

Living in a world that is majority run by the media and the true meaning of things like beauty and worth is exampled by how much money or fame or headlines your name is in or how tan you are or the brand of make-up you wear and the purses you carry, it is hard to place yourself anywhere else outside that without being told you have failed.
Living in a world where the first person you are told to serve is yourself and greed are more priority focuses than emptying yourself of yourself and giving more than you're taking, it is no wonder we are a world that lacks love.
Living in this world claiming you are a follower of Jesus even has a bad connotation. For many when you hear someone say they are a "Christian" the first word you deem synonym is "hypocrite". To be a "Christian" nowadays is just as bad as saying you are of this world.
"Christians" are fake and their only attempt at befriending a sinner is to get them to go to church. They are seen as the stereotype little old ladies club after the service who is talking all sorts of nasty about the 20-something who wore knee-high boots.

HebrewsTree is an attempt to help change this.
To help teach love because of existence and no other reason.
To help teach Jesus.

HebrewsTree defined is merely this:

LOVE.
LOVE is the beginning of all things. To LOVE Him, is to live life. To live life for Him, is to LOVE life.
To LOVE those who are hard to LOVE.
To LOVE what He gives us.
To LOVE what He takes away.
Without LOVE, there is no life. Without God, there is no LOVE.

"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see." Hebrews 11:1



Have faith that God's LOVE will overcome anything of this world.
LOVE others because they exist and for every one of their imperfections.
Be reminded and remind others that our God is a God who gives 2nd and 3rd and 4th chances.

Be a tree of life, who's branches are full of hearts that pour out selfless love, who's rooted by the faith in Jesus Christ because then will people begin to know HIM. People will know HIM by your LOVE.

[An excerpt from Rob Bells newest book "Sex God"...]

Love Is...

Love is handing your heart to someone and taking the risk that they will hand it back because they don't want it. That's why it's such a crushing ache on the inside. We gave away a part of ourselves and it wasn't wanted.

Love is a giving away of power. When we love, we give the other person the power in the relationship. They can do what they choose. They can do what they like with our love. They can reject it, they can accept it, they can step toward us in gratitude and appreciation.

Love is a giving away. When we love, we put ourselves out there, we expose ourselves, we allow ourselves to be vulnerable.

Love is giving up control. It's surrendering the desire to control the other person.
The two - love and controlling power over the other person - are mutually exclusive. If we are serious about loving someone, we have to surrender all of the desires within us to manipulate the relationship.

So if you were God - which I realize is an odd way to begin a sentence - but if you were God, the all-powerful creator of the universe, and you wanted to move toward people, you wanted to express your love for the world in a new way, how would you do it?

If you showed up in your power and control and might, you would scare people off. This is what happens at the giving of the Ten Commandments. The first two commandments are in the first person: "You shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make for yourself an image ... for I, the LORD ..." But starting with the third commandment, someone else is talking: "You shall not misuse the name of the LORD your God, for the LORD..." The rabbis believed that this is because God was speaking directly to the people in the first two commands, but they couldn't handle it. As it says in the text, "They trembled with fear. They stayed at a distance and said to Moses, 'Speak to us yourself and we will listen. But do not have God speak to us or we will die.' " So, the rabbis reasoned, the switch in person is because Moses gave them the remaining eight commandments.

Just God speaking is too much to bear.

If you're God and you want to express ultimate love to your creation, if you want to move toward them in a definitive way, you have a problem, because just showing up overwhelms people. You wouldn't come as you are. You wouldn't come in strength. You wouldn't come in your pure, raw essence. You'd scare everybody away. The last thing people would perceive is love.

So how would you express your love in an ultimate way? How do you connect with people in a manner that wouldn't scare them off but would compel them to want to come closer, to draw nearer? You would need to strip yourself of all the trappings that come with ultimate power and authority.

That's how love works.

It doesn't matter if a man has a million dollars and wants to woo a woman, if she loves him for his money, it isn't real love. If you were an almighty being who made the universe and everything in it, you would need to meet people on their level, in their world, on their soil ... like them.

This is the story of the Bible.
This is the story of Jesus.

[I couldn't have said it better.]

“Would you die for your faith?”

The question is posed as 15 or so Concordia students dressed as guards rush in yelling and have us pinned against a wall facing the dull pale paint that covers it. My body shakes and my heart is pounding as tears fill my eyes. The room is pitch black with only the fast motion of flashlights being shined in our eyes. The lights go out. It’s completely dark. The sound of heavy and anxious breathing fills the room.

“Would you die for your faith?”

The question rings in my ears and my heart lies heavy in my chest. The past 15 minutes it took to get to this room seems like hours ago. With the anxiety of turning every corner my heartbeat raced and with ever encounter of guards and every encounter of one more person being taken and killed, my breaths get shorter.

This feels so real.

Our leader risks his own life for us. He distracts the guards; beaten for having a bible in his backpack all so that we could sneak into the room where in community we could have a bible study with fellow Christians who are dealing with the same secret.

“Are any of you Christians?”

Silence.

A woman, who said nothing at all, is taken first. She didn’t even admit to it. Killed. Just because of suspicion.

They surround us, and our leader tells us to run. A man, in the wrong place, is taken second. Killed. Because that’s who they caught.

“Would you die for your faith?”

It’s so easy here. I can stand and praise my God anytime I wish. I can raise my hands in the middle of a crowd and yell at the top of my lungs, “PRAISE THE LORD!” I can have 5 bibles laying across my desk with my door wide open and nothing happen to me.

It’s so easy here.

And I take it for granted.

There are people in other countries suffering from persecution, real persecution, that are dying for their faith, literally, and all they want to do is have the liberty to read their bible. Hold their bible in their hand. I haven’t opened my bible in over 3 weeks.

Would I go through the measures to read my bible every week the way I did tonight? Would I deny Jesus if a real gun was to my head? Would I die for my faith? Would I find a way to be joyful in persecution? How would Mormons react to a mock persecution?

This was only a fraction of what it is like for other brothers and sisters across the world. A huge question has been asked tonight and has made me question what I am truly living for and how much a priority Jesus is in my life. I am so excited about loving people. I am so excited for the great liberty I have to tell people about my God who is mighty to save. I encourage you to take some time out. Right now. And thank God for all He is. I stand speechless. I stand ashamed. I stand selfish. I stand loved. By a God who forgives me. I needed this tonight. I needed God to put in perspective all that I have in Him and all that needs to be stripped away from me. I honestly don’t know the answer to the question. But I do know that my relationship is going to start being intentional. Intentional on growing, on outreaching, on loving, on living for a God; living for a Savior who is worth dying for.

11 "Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.” Matthew 5:11-12

WOULD YOU DIE FOR YOUR FAITH?

Can I give up worrying for lent?
I am so sick and tired of worrying about the future, about what’s going to happen if I do this, if I do that, if I don’t do this or that, if I don’t get a loan what will happen. I am sick of worrying about decisions, about “what if’s” in general. I’m done worrying!
Why is it so hard to not worry?

I searched the word “Worrying” on biblegateway.com and was displeased with the results it gave me. I don’t know of any bible stories where a man or woman worried and then something bad happened or the benefits that came from overcoming it or what happened in general. I’m sure there are stories, just none that I know of.
In the gospels it preaches about not worrying, for worrying will get you nowhere.

I KNOW THAT.

That’s why I am usually timid to be vulnerable.
I don’t want what I feel to be mistaken for what I know.

I know that worrying will get you nowhere.
It doesn’t change the fact that my mind and thoughts occupy around what could potentially get me kicked out of school, if I make the right decision to do this, to do that, should I have auditioned for this, financial matters, family matters. Life. In. General.

Lent starts tomorrow, and I am giving up worrying.
There is so much going on in my life right now that I can feel the Devil just perched on my shoulder hissing some sort of devilish sound, digging it’s little devil claws deep in my skin, holding on for dear life. I know that the Devil is going to stick around and do everything in its power to make me stubble and fall from this. But the Devil has already been defeated. I too, will overcome this annoying tick on my shoulder. I know this next month of lent is going to be the hardest month to survive. People give up coffee, or soda, or sugar, or MySpace.

I’m giving up an emotion.
An attribute. (Is it sad that I consider worrying an attribute?)
A personality flaw.
I’m giving up what’s overtaken me this past month, what’s kept me from growing in my relationship with God because I keep having to start over and I keep having to attempt to give this to Him, while this whole time I was just pretending.

This is not creative dramatics.

I really need to give this to Him.
Worrying doesn’t help me.
It doesn’t help my relationship with others.
It doesn’t help my relationship with God.

I want to be able to handle life and the roller coaster ups and downs this world throws at me with determination of conquering it. Not sulking and meditating and growing gray hair over it.

I want to walk like … I have a blindfold over my eyes.
I want to walk with all the junk in my life, and let God lead me though and out of it.

I want to walk by faith.

“"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]?

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:25-34

Chaos.
Walking out of Rho dormitories, through the parking lot, passing the basketball court, and heading to the stairs that lead to the sidewalk that takes you past Sigma dormitories and leads you straight to the amphitheater and another enormous flight of stairs, I find myself in somewhat of a make believe world. I know. Sounds completely stupid and such a blog-like cliché to use, but I did. I felt like I was in the Matrix. I walked slowly past the basketball courts to hear the cheering of teammates who were wearing the most uncomfortable looking track shorts, encouraging a runner that was running what seemed to be a 4x400 rely race. Not even 20 feet in front of the track, the girl’s softball team was scrimmaging and the two sounds—the cheering from the track meet and the chants and songs the two teams were screaming from their dugouts—began to form a type of melody.
A man on a bike zooms past me, the sound of his wheels turning chimes in with the melody of the two sporting events going on as he dodges a child who had to be no older than 6. The little boy was in the grass doing the coolest karate moves, equipped with karate sounds, I had seen in a long time. The sound of his Hi-Ya’s and the thump of him falling in the grass chimed in with the melody as well.

P.s. I hadn’t even noticed the melody yet.

Still walking the pace of a turtle, my ear catches the sound of a woman talking and laughing on a cell phone right outside of the softball bleachers. Her laugh seemed to fit in between the chants of the softball teams, only making the melody more intricate.
I was on my way to 6:30 call for our show, Dancing at Lughnasa, and my mind was racing with things like, “I’ve gotta figure out a way to pay my tuition bill.” “I am actually really upset that my Dad can’t make my show, but I’m going to pretend it doesn’t bother me.” “I really miss Michelle. We live two seconds away from each other and haven’t spent more than a day within one week together since the break.” “I’m moving to Utah. With probably NO money in my pocket. No. Not worried at all…”
My thoughts take me away that I don’t notice this chaos right away. The wind picks up and blows my bag of cotton balls out of the bag I was carrying and I bring my head up from where it had been starring at the concrete I was walking on, keeping me on a straight line so I didn’t run into anything, and I look for where the wind had taken my cotton balls. Frustrated a little, my thoughts had escaped me for a moment and the only thing that was on my mind was, “Damn it wind! I’m already late to call. Where did you take my cotton balls?!” I spot them and step on the plastic bag before the next gush of wind and in a moment of triumph over the wind I look up to only catch the most beautiful sunset I had seen since before winter. The second my eyes catch the coral sky with sponge-painted clouds the melody of life happening all around me cues.
I stop thinking in that moment.
I stop worrying in that moment.
I slowly look around me in awe of the simplicity of everyday living.
The sounds of encouragement, the sounds of laughter, the sounds of innocence, the sounds of Mother Nature—all combined and altered perfectly to fit the scene for a sunset only God could have created.
I stopped for that second and smiled.
Sometimes I think that life, in all it’s wonders, can take the best of me. I get so caught up in the duties of life, and having one on my own now that I forget to really soak up life. I forget to live.

I feel so stubborn at times like these, times where God himself has to slow me down because nothing else will stop me. I think about how much he wants to take care of me and how much he wants my worries and to give him what I think I need or want. God had to slow me down and create a moment where I would remember Him.

Moments like these, when life at its rawest form smacks me in the face, do I remember that everyday needs to be intentional. I have to wake up and the first thing done is to invite the Holy Spirit in. Why? Because it is not about me. It is nothing I can do or say or not do or not say. I can’t get caught up in Me. If I do, I loose connection and my purpose of living, which is to glorify God. Live a life committed to Him. When I get caught up in my worries, or the things that I’m upset over or things I don’t have control over, I loose more and more connection with life and what goes on in it and how important it is for me to be an example of Jesus in this chaos we call life. I can’t let myself walk a straight line, with my head down. It’s just not my calling. I end up leaving less and less room for the Holy Spirit to do it’s magic.

The Holy Spirit is the part that EMPOWERS. In Ephesians it talks about becoming who we are. We must seek, ask, and knock to be filled. We HAVE God, Jesus Christ, and the Spirit and now we must live in full measure of these and know that there is no fixed measure like the fullness of a cup, but more like a balloon that doesn’t pop. You just keep being filled. Continue to grow. It’s like saying

“God, I want MORE of You!”

I once heard a metaphor that the Holy Spirit was like the wind.
We can understand it just as much as one understands the wind.
Do you understand the wind?

I don’t, but it did get me off my straight line, my head off the ground, and into the middle of chaos.