H e b r e w T r e e

Can I give up worrying for lent?
I am so sick and tired of worrying about the future, about what’s going to happen if I do this, if I do that, if I don’t do this or that, if I don’t get a loan what will happen. I am sick of worrying about decisions, about “what if’s” in general. I’m done worrying!
Why is it so hard to not worry?

I searched the word “Worrying” on biblegateway.com and was displeased with the results it gave me. I don’t know of any bible stories where a man or woman worried and then something bad happened or the benefits that came from overcoming it or what happened in general. I’m sure there are stories, just none that I know of.
In the gospels it preaches about not worrying, for worrying will get you nowhere.

I KNOW THAT.

That’s why I am usually timid to be vulnerable.
I don’t want what I feel to be mistaken for what I know.

I know that worrying will get you nowhere.
It doesn’t change the fact that my mind and thoughts occupy around what could potentially get me kicked out of school, if I make the right decision to do this, to do that, should I have auditioned for this, financial matters, family matters. Life. In. General.

Lent starts tomorrow, and I am giving up worrying.
There is so much going on in my life right now that I can feel the Devil just perched on my shoulder hissing some sort of devilish sound, digging it’s little devil claws deep in my skin, holding on for dear life. I know that the Devil is going to stick around and do everything in its power to make me stubble and fall from this. But the Devil has already been defeated. I too, will overcome this annoying tick on my shoulder. I know this next month of lent is going to be the hardest month to survive. People give up coffee, or soda, or sugar, or MySpace.

I’m giving up an emotion.
An attribute. (Is it sad that I consider worrying an attribute?)
A personality flaw.
I’m giving up what’s overtaken me this past month, what’s kept me from growing in my relationship with God because I keep having to start over and I keep having to attempt to give this to Him, while this whole time I was just pretending.

This is not creative dramatics.

I really need to give this to Him.
Worrying doesn’t help me.
It doesn’t help my relationship with others.
It doesn’t help my relationship with God.

I want to be able to handle life and the roller coaster ups and downs this world throws at me with determination of conquering it. Not sulking and meditating and growing gray hair over it.

I want to walk like … I have a blindfold over my eyes.
I want to walk with all the junk in my life, and let God lead me though and out of it.

I want to walk by faith.

“"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[b]?

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:25-34

Chaos.
Walking out of Rho dormitories, through the parking lot, passing the basketball court, and heading to the stairs that lead to the sidewalk that takes you past Sigma dormitories and leads you straight to the amphitheater and another enormous flight of stairs, I find myself in somewhat of a make believe world. I know. Sounds completely stupid and such a blog-like cliché to use, but I did. I felt like I was in the Matrix. I walked slowly past the basketball courts to hear the cheering of teammates who were wearing the most uncomfortable looking track shorts, encouraging a runner that was running what seemed to be a 4x400 rely race. Not even 20 feet in front of the track, the girl’s softball team was scrimmaging and the two sounds—the cheering from the track meet and the chants and songs the two teams were screaming from their dugouts—began to form a type of melody.
A man on a bike zooms past me, the sound of his wheels turning chimes in with the melody of the two sporting events going on as he dodges a child who had to be no older than 6. The little boy was in the grass doing the coolest karate moves, equipped with karate sounds, I had seen in a long time. The sound of his Hi-Ya’s and the thump of him falling in the grass chimed in with the melody as well.

P.s. I hadn’t even noticed the melody yet.

Still walking the pace of a turtle, my ear catches the sound of a woman talking and laughing on a cell phone right outside of the softball bleachers. Her laugh seemed to fit in between the chants of the softball teams, only making the melody more intricate.
I was on my way to 6:30 call for our show, Dancing at Lughnasa, and my mind was racing with things like, “I’ve gotta figure out a way to pay my tuition bill.” “I am actually really upset that my Dad can’t make my show, but I’m going to pretend it doesn’t bother me.” “I really miss Michelle. We live two seconds away from each other and haven’t spent more than a day within one week together since the break.” “I’m moving to Utah. With probably NO money in my pocket. No. Not worried at all…”
My thoughts take me away that I don’t notice this chaos right away. The wind picks up and blows my bag of cotton balls out of the bag I was carrying and I bring my head up from where it had been starring at the concrete I was walking on, keeping me on a straight line so I didn’t run into anything, and I look for where the wind had taken my cotton balls. Frustrated a little, my thoughts had escaped me for a moment and the only thing that was on my mind was, “Damn it wind! I’m already late to call. Where did you take my cotton balls?!” I spot them and step on the plastic bag before the next gush of wind and in a moment of triumph over the wind I look up to only catch the most beautiful sunset I had seen since before winter. The second my eyes catch the coral sky with sponge-painted clouds the melody of life happening all around me cues.
I stop thinking in that moment.
I stop worrying in that moment.
I slowly look around me in awe of the simplicity of everyday living.
The sounds of encouragement, the sounds of laughter, the sounds of innocence, the sounds of Mother Nature—all combined and altered perfectly to fit the scene for a sunset only God could have created.
I stopped for that second and smiled.
Sometimes I think that life, in all it’s wonders, can take the best of me. I get so caught up in the duties of life, and having one on my own now that I forget to really soak up life. I forget to live.

I feel so stubborn at times like these, times where God himself has to slow me down because nothing else will stop me. I think about how much he wants to take care of me and how much he wants my worries and to give him what I think I need or want. God had to slow me down and create a moment where I would remember Him.

Moments like these, when life at its rawest form smacks me in the face, do I remember that everyday needs to be intentional. I have to wake up and the first thing done is to invite the Holy Spirit in. Why? Because it is not about me. It is nothing I can do or say or not do or not say. I can’t get caught up in Me. If I do, I loose connection and my purpose of living, which is to glorify God. Live a life committed to Him. When I get caught up in my worries, or the things that I’m upset over or things I don’t have control over, I loose more and more connection with life and what goes on in it and how important it is for me to be an example of Jesus in this chaos we call life. I can’t let myself walk a straight line, with my head down. It’s just not my calling. I end up leaving less and less room for the Holy Spirit to do it’s magic.

The Holy Spirit is the part that EMPOWERS. In Ephesians it talks about becoming who we are. We must seek, ask, and knock to be filled. We HAVE God, Jesus Christ, and the Spirit and now we must live in full measure of these and know that there is no fixed measure like the fullness of a cup, but more like a balloon that doesn’t pop. You just keep being filled. Continue to grow. It’s like saying

“God, I want MORE of You!”

I once heard a metaphor that the Holy Spirit was like the wind.
We can understand it just as much as one understands the wind.
Do you understand the wind?

I don’t, but it did get me off my straight line, my head off the ground, and into the middle of chaos.