Sunday, December 23, 2007
Utah.
Life Defining.
Ya. I know. It seems like such a drastic thing to base the definition of life on, but in all seriousness and in all sincerity, this trip has defined what this chapter of my life is going to be—by choice. It is horrifying yet exciting to think that I am about to enter into a new, distinct part of my life. As Kristen would probably say, I’m about to head off on my ‘road trip’. I am moving to Utah. There. It’s out in the open. I’ve said it. With confidence. With seriousness. With excitement.
Irvine has been good to me. I’ll even say Irvine is awesome. Irvine is warm and welcoming and rich and stuck up and friendly and a place that needs God just as much as Uganda needs God—just as much as Utah needs God. But plain and simple—I am not being used in Irvine. As much as I would love to sit here and type each and every word proclaiming that God has used me—He hasn’t. And I don’t consider this a bad thing at all. Being at Concordia University has taught me a lot about myself, about what I love about me and who I am, about my strength about how independent I can be and about how much I love and am capable of loving. I’ve learned. I’ve spent this last semester learning about who I am in God, how I want, and can, use my talents and gifts to help others and witness to others. I’ve spent this last semester learning about the abilities I need to work on and the meaning and importance of what it means to share vulnerability. God has taught me what it means to be obedient and revealed the amazing feeling and comfort of co-dependency on HIM. That I do so much better; I live so much more and fuller and exposed when I let him lead my life and take the reigns. He’s taught me about essentials and how one can gain so much and be so real when you live by only what you need and give the rest. God brought me to Concordia for this preparation; I have NO doubt in this. I know God called me here, and now, God is calling me elsewhere. Wow, doesn’t that sound like the best copout ever?
“God is calling me elsewhere.”
Ha! What a Christian thing to say. Honestly, I am sure of this decision. I am wholeheartedly and actively seeking after God’s heart and now, I feel like God’s giving me the okay and its time to take action. I have a whole semester left at Concordia and roughly 6 months to purposefully prepare myself for a mission like none other. Before this trip, God had me in this bit of a limbo. I knew that something was going to have to change; He just hadn’t revealed it to me yet. I felt like he had me sitting in a chair as he stood over me, arms extended, giving me the old, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Just hang on there for a second…” and now, God is practically screaming for me to jump out of my chair and run head on to the front of the line.
During this time of complete trust in God and the unknowing, I ask you of one thing: Prayer. I need prayer for strength, for wisdom, for open and accepting hearts. I know that there are going to be plenty people who are going to snap back with a few, “You are absolutely CRAZY!” and false accusations for reasons why I am moving but above all of this: Above Ben. Above Me. Above Ben and I. Above what I want. Above where I want to be. Above desires in general—my heart is constantly reminding my mind and thoughts that it is not about me. It is about God. About Jesus. And about the need of Him and his offer of salvation. Above everything, it’s about Jesus Christ, his saving grace, and the people in need of a savior. I am moving to Utah and I will fight for the kingdom of the utmost high, and I will use the weapon of love and faith to fall on my face, to conquer the few, and to submissively follow and seek after God’s will; after God’s heart and passionately, purposefully, and intentionally love others because they simply exist.
Utah. Get ready. You don’t even know what’s coming.